So, two weeks and two days ago our baby girl's paperwork was headed to the US embassy in Seoul, and low and behold, the US permission for us to bring Lyv home was missing/lost. . . not in her file. So, no trip to the embassy and no subsequent travel call until that paper is found and her file is returned to the pile of babies headed to the embassy for their visa appointment.
From our US agency, we are to assume that her paperwork was quickly located and that she is back in line with her paperwork headed to the embassy (if not already there). Our US agency told us that once the paperwork was found, it should all happen pretty quickly and that was good news but that was two weeks ago. So we wait and we wait some more. You think I'd get better at waiting not worse, but . . . I was really hoping Alyvia would be home last Christmas as we thought she might when we were chosen to be her forever family last July. Obviously not home by last Christmas . . .
Anyway, that's where we sit. Waiting for Alyvia's (hopefully located) paperwork to join her file and her file to be sent to the US embassy in Seoul. This maybe done already. =)
Once her file is at the embassy, They will schedule a time for Alyvia to have her Visa Interview and that is the the LAST STEP before we get our call to TRAVEL AND BRING OUR GIRL HOME. We really are on the last step! Crazy and Amazing. And while we have been stuck here longer than we would have been without the paperwork lossage, God is in that. He will bring Alyvia home to us at just the right time. I have no idea why this/another delay in our journey to our girl, but God does and I trust Him. Not always as sweetly yielded as I could (keeping it real), but I TRUST HIM. He has done AMAZING things to bring this little daughter to our family and HE WILL NOT FAIL US NOW.
Since Lyv won't be home tomorrow (when our Korea Home study expires), we had a HS update vistit with our social worker this past Thursday. It was so nice and relaxed. I cleaned for a day instead of 10 days like I did last Spring when she first came to our home. Last year, we gave her "President clean" this time she got "friends coming over for dinner" clean. So much easier.
If you want to pray for us this week you can pray for a few things.
Please pray for Alyvia to be scheduled for her Visa Interview and then for us to get our Travel Call.
Though unlikely, these things could both happen this week.
Please pray for our Social worker to get our home study rewritten quickly. We cannot take custody of Alyvia without a current, notarized HS. So, we need our SW to really hurry.
There will be lots more to pray for in the days to come. Thanks for your love and support and prayers. God is answering and we are simply grateful . . . .
PS. For those keeping track at home, our US agency told us that Alyvia's group of babies (over 80 in all) would come home over the space of about 9 weeks. This week, we start week 4 of the 9 weeks of travel for her group.
Sunday, August 19, 2012
Sunday, August 5, 2012
After 13 years of anticipation our desire to increase our family size through international adoption is about to become reality. More recently, the past 14 months of perusing countless times every photo of and every word written about our daughter longing to touch her soft skin, to kiss her perfect cheeks, to whisper in her ear "you are our daughter forever; we will always love you." This perusing . . . is about to end. This longing . . . is about to be fulfilled.
Just typing these words brings in my soul an unexplainable mix of anticipation and anxiousness. We could'nt be happier to be bringing our girl home . . . finally home.
So many of you (our family and friends) have supported our adoption journey with your time, prayers, gifts and words of encouragement. And we are grateful beyond words for your tangible help and obvious love for us and for Alyvia.
As we near the time we will bring Alyvia home, a generous handful of you have asked what we expect or how we expect Alyvia, not quite 2 years old, will respond to her new family. And how we plan to ease her huge adjustment into her new family.
Thank you for asking.
Thank you for caring.
Parental, Sacrificial LOVE is obviously top drawer. We expect our committed love for Alyvia will be crucial to her adjustment into our family--into her family. =) We are ready to do what we need to in the way of prioritzing her needs above ours for her benefit.
ATTACHMENT is A critical concept in parenting well any child. But Attachment is likely THE critical concept to understand and actively persue in parenting well an adopted child. Attachment is basically TRUST building.
In a biological or adopted-at-birth parent/child relationship attachment is usually developed naturally. The infant cries to have its needs met and the attentive parent responds . . . quickly, lovingly, repetitively. Over time, the infant comes to trust that this person (the parent) cares. This need's meeter is something special. Our bonds of trust have forged. He is my dad or she is my mom. They have met my needs, quickly, lovingly, repetitively and I trust them. They will be there for me. I'm sure of it.
In parent/child relationships formed through adoption the bonds of attachment are usually more difficult to forge for a few reasons.
FIRST, many adopted children have never forged familial/parental bonds of trust and attachment. As a result of having multiple, often unconcerned if not even mean, caregivers, many adopted children will learn for the first time in their new families what it means to have someone who loves you quickly, lovingly, repetitively meet your needs. That is hard and those days and nights are long.
Experts in the field report negative physiological and emotional effects of not being cared for by one or two consistent loving caregivers. Sadly, these kids have learned by repetition that no one can be trusted, no one will be there for me. I am sure of it. The hope is . . . the good news is . . . most of these kids do well. With adoptive parents who love them and chase attachment with intention, though it takes time (often years), most of these kids do well. Yes, once-neglected kids can learn to trust. They can learn to love and be loved. That is great news.
The SECOND situation that makes attachment more difficult to forge in most adoptive parent/child relationships is the simple fact that often adopted children are not infants and thus they do not necessarily "need" their parents to feed them, change them and hold them in order to physically exist. Does that make sense? The duties parents of newborns perform to build attachment are less "necessary" when your adopted child is not an infant. That presents adoptive parents with a challenge: find ways to build attachment with your older adopted child. . . create opportunities to build trust . . . meet your new child's needs of feeding and changing and holding as much as possible, quickly, lovingly, repetitively. Play games, be silly, build trust. Be there. Keep your new child's world small for a while. Build trust. You be the one to meet your child's basic needs until they are certain that you are their parent. You will be there. They are sure.
Grandma doesn't change Johnie's diaper. Aunt Milly doesn't give Johnie a bath. Uncle Mert doesn't give Johnie his dinner. Grandpa doesn't comfort Johnie in his sleep. Just for a while. . . Just til Johnie is certain you are his parent. You will be there. He is sure.
Every adoptive parent has to decide what is best for his or her new child. How much to cocoon your new child and how long to circle the wagons of protection is for each individual family to decide. It certainly depends a bit on your child and on your family. But it is imperative to be alert for signs of overwhelmedness and anxiety in your newly adopted child. No matter what their background and no matter what they have just gained by joining your family, your new child JUST LOST EVERYTHING FAMILIAR A.GAIN. And adoptive parents must consider what is best for their new child. What can APs do to make this complex transition as simple as possible?
I'm on a rabbit trail, maybe I should just write a book ;)
Here is a word picture describing the confusion . . . the conflict . . . the reason for the lack of trust built deep in the souls of many adopted kids.
IMAGINE FOR A MOMENT:
You have met the person you've dreamed about all your life. He has every quality that you desire in a spouse. You plan for the wedding, enjoying every free moment with your fianc?e. You love his touch, his smell, the way he looks into your eyes. For the first time in your life, you understand what is meant by "soul mate," for this person understands you in a way that no one else does. Your heart beats in rhythm with his. Your emotions are intimately tied to his every joy, his every sorrow.
The wedding comes. It is a happy celebration, but the best part is that you are finally the wife of this wonderful man. You fall asleep that night, exhausted from the day's events, but relaxed and joyful in the knowledge that you are next to the person who loves you more than anyone in the world?the person who will be with you for the rest of your life.
The next morning you wake up, nestled in your partner's arms. You open your eyes and immediately look for his face.
But IT'S NOT HIM! You are in the arms of another man. You recoil in horror. Who is this man? Where is your beloved?
You ask questions of the new man, but it quickly becomes apparent that he doesn't understand you. You search every room in the house, calling and calling for your husband. The new guy follows you around, trying to hug you, pat you on the back,...even trying to stroke your arm, acting like everything is okay.
But you know that nothing is okay. Your beloved is gone. Where is he? Will he return? When? What has happened to him?
Weeks pass. You cry and cry over the loss of your beloved. Sometimes you ache silently, in shock over what has happened. The new guy tries to comfort you. You appreciate his attempts, but he doesn't speak your language-either verbally or emotionally. He doesn't seem to realize the terrible thing that has happened...that your sweetheart is gone.
You find it difficult to sleep. The new guy tries to comfort you at bedtime with soft words and gentle touches, but you avoid him, preferring to sleep alone, away from him and any intimate words or contact.
Months later, you still ache for your beloved, but gradually you are learning to trust this new guy. He's finally learned that you like your coffee black, not doctored up with cream and sugar. Although you still don't understand his bedtime songs, you like the lilt of his voice and take some comfort in it.
More time passes. One morning, you wake up to find a full suitcase sitting next to the front door. You try to ask him about it, but he just takes you by the hand and leads you to the car. You drive and drive and drive. Nothing is familiar. Where are you? Where is he taking you?
You pull up to a large building. He leads you to an elevator and up to a room filled with people. Many are crying. Some are ecstatic with joy. You are confused. And worried.
The man leads you over to the corner. Another man opens his arms and sweeps you up in an embrace. He rubs your back and kisses your cheeks, obviously thrilled to see you.
You are anything but thrilled to see him. Who in the world is he? Where is your beloved? You reach for the man who brought you, but he just smiles (although he seems to be tearing up, which concerns you), pats you on the back, and puts your hand in the hands of the new guy. The new guy picks up your suitcase and leads you to the door. The familiar face starts openly crying, waving and waving as the elevator doors close on you and the new guy.
The new guy drives you to an airport and you follow him, not knowing what else to do. Sometimes you cry, but then the new guy tries to make you smile, so you grin back, wanting to "get along." You board a plane. The flight is long. You sleep a lot, wanting to mentally escape from the situation.
Hours later, the plane touches down. The new guy is very excited and leads you into the airport where dozens of people are there to greet you. Light bulbs flash as your photo is taken again and again. The new guy takes you to another guy who hugs you. Who is this one? You smile at him. Then you are taken to another man who pats your back and kisses your cheek. Then yet another fellow gives you a big hug and messes your hair.
Finally, someone (which guy is this?) pulls you into his arms with the biggest hug you've ever had. He kisses you all over your cheeks and croons to you in some language you've never heard before.
He leads you to a car and drives you to another location. Everything here looks different. The climate is not what you're used to. The smells are strange. Nothing tastes familiar, except for the black coffee. You wonder if someone told him that you like your coffee black.
You find it nearly impossible to sleep. Sometimes you lie in bed for hours, staring into the blackness, furious with your husband for leaving you, yet aching from the loss. The new guy checks on you. He seems concerned and tries to comfort you with soft words and a mug of warm milk. You turn away, pretending to go to sleep.
People come to the house. You can feel the anxiety start to bubble over as you look into the faces of all the new people. You tightly grasp the new guy's hand. He pulls you closer. People smile and nudge one other, marveling at how quickly you've fallen in love. Strangers reach for you, wanting to be a part of the happiness.
Each time a man hugs you, you wonder if he will be the one to take you away. Just in case, you keep your suitcase packed and ready. Although the man at this house is nice and you're hanging on for dear life, you've learned from experience that men come and go, so you just wait in expectation for the next one to come along.
Each morning, the new guy hands you a cup of coffee and looks at you expectantly. A couple of times the pain and anger for your husband is so great that you lash out, sending hot coffee across the room, causing the new guy to yelp in pain. He just looks at you, bewildered. But most of the time you calmly take the cup. You give him a smile. And wait. And wait. And wait.
--Written by Cynthia Hockman-Chupp, analogy courtesy of Dr. Kali Miller
Ok WOW this 3rd post on our blog is more like a novel than a post and I really didn't even lay out our plan for Alyvia and Attachment.
Suffice to say here, in public, that John and I will be the only ones feeding and changing and holding Alyvia for the first few weeks (if not longer). Our big kids will hug her and play with her and perhaps sometimes hold her. But we are her parents and we will be here for her. We will earn her trust by quickly, lovingly repetitively meeting her needs.
If you are a regular part of our life and we are blessed to see you the first month (or longer) that Lyv is home. We welcome your kind words to Alyvia. If she's a high fiver (which she may or may not be) go there, if you want. If Alyvia is down and around and comes to you for holding, please, direct her back to us. Maybe say, "let's go find your mama. She's happy to hold you." As soon as we are comfortable that Lyv knows we are her parents and we will be here for her no matter what, then we will welcome you holding and hugging and loving on her with food and snuggles. It won't be long. We want to share her with you. We know you love her, too. And we are glad.
Does that seem odd? It would to us, if we hadn't read what feels like a bazillion books on adoption and attachment. We have read plenty of stories of families who did NOT cocoon or guard the basic caregiving duties of their newly adopted child and they really regretted it. Lots of them. But we have yet to read of any families who DID cocoon and guard the basic caregiving duties who regretted it. No one we have read was sorry they guarded and protected and kept their new child's world small. It is often hard for the parents. But it is great for their new child.
Ok. done or not. this must go to print. I've got other babies to tuck in.
The PS here is I don't want to paint with a huge brush. Not all adopted kids and/or their new families are alike. I am not an expert on any of this. I totally admit it. I only know what I have typed here from the experience of adoptive parent friends who are kind enough to share their experience with us and what we have learned in classes, articles and books. The real education is about to begin and though crazy nervous, we are certainly excited. . .
Enjoy your last few days/weeks in your beautiful Korea, Lyv. We'll be there as soon as we can.
Just typing these words brings in my soul an unexplainable mix of anticipation and anxiousness. We could'nt be happier to be bringing our girl home . . . finally home.
So many of you (our family and friends) have supported our adoption journey with your time, prayers, gifts and words of encouragement. And we are grateful beyond words for your tangible help and obvious love for us and for Alyvia.
As we near the time we will bring Alyvia home, a generous handful of you have asked what we expect or how we expect Alyvia, not quite 2 years old, will respond to her new family. And how we plan to ease her huge adjustment into her new family.
Thank you for asking.
Thank you for caring.
Parental, Sacrificial LOVE is obviously top drawer. We expect our committed love for Alyvia will be crucial to her adjustment into our family--into her family. =) We are ready to do what we need to in the way of prioritzing her needs above ours for her benefit.
ATTACHMENT is A critical concept in parenting well any child. But Attachment is likely THE critical concept to understand and actively persue in parenting well an adopted child. Attachment is basically TRUST building.
In a biological or adopted-at-birth parent/child relationship attachment is usually developed naturally. The infant cries to have its needs met and the attentive parent responds . . . quickly, lovingly, repetitively. Over time, the infant comes to trust that this person (the parent) cares. This need's meeter is something special. Our bonds of trust have forged. He is my dad or she is my mom. They have met my needs, quickly, lovingly, repetitively and I trust them. They will be there for me. I'm sure of it.
In parent/child relationships formed through adoption the bonds of attachment are usually more difficult to forge for a few reasons.
FIRST, many adopted children have never forged familial/parental bonds of trust and attachment. As a result of having multiple, often unconcerned if not even mean, caregivers, many adopted children will learn for the first time in their new families what it means to have someone who loves you quickly, lovingly, repetitively meet your needs. That is hard and those days and nights are long.
Experts in the field report negative physiological and emotional effects of not being cared for by one or two consistent loving caregivers. Sadly, these kids have learned by repetition that no one can be trusted, no one will be there for me. I am sure of it. The hope is . . . the good news is . . . most of these kids do well. With adoptive parents who love them and chase attachment with intention, though it takes time (often years), most of these kids do well. Yes, once-neglected kids can learn to trust. They can learn to love and be loved. That is great news.
The SECOND situation that makes attachment more difficult to forge in most adoptive parent/child relationships is the simple fact that often adopted children are not infants and thus they do not necessarily "need" their parents to feed them, change them and hold them in order to physically exist. Does that make sense? The duties parents of newborns perform to build attachment are less "necessary" when your adopted child is not an infant. That presents adoptive parents with a challenge: find ways to build attachment with your older adopted child. . . create opportunities to build trust . . . meet your new child's needs of feeding and changing and holding as much as possible, quickly, lovingly, repetitively. Play games, be silly, build trust. Be there. Keep your new child's world small for a while. Build trust. You be the one to meet your child's basic needs until they are certain that you are their parent. You will be there. They are sure.
Grandma doesn't change Johnie's diaper. Aunt Milly doesn't give Johnie a bath. Uncle Mert doesn't give Johnie his dinner. Grandpa doesn't comfort Johnie in his sleep. Just for a while. . . Just til Johnie is certain you are his parent. You will be there. He is sure.
Every adoptive parent has to decide what is best for his or her new child. How much to cocoon your new child and how long to circle the wagons of protection is for each individual family to decide. It certainly depends a bit on your child and on your family. But it is imperative to be alert for signs of overwhelmedness and anxiety in your newly adopted child. No matter what their background and no matter what they have just gained by joining your family, your new child JUST LOST EVERYTHING FAMILIAR A.GAIN. And adoptive parents must consider what is best for their new child. What can APs do to make this complex transition as simple as possible?
I'm on a rabbit trail, maybe I should just write a book ;)
Here is a word picture describing the confusion . . . the conflict . . . the reason for the lack of trust built deep in the souls of many adopted kids.
IMAGINE FOR A MOMENT:
You have met the person you've dreamed about all your life. He has every quality that you desire in a spouse. You plan for the wedding, enjoying every free moment with your fianc?e. You love his touch, his smell, the way he looks into your eyes. For the first time in your life, you understand what is meant by "soul mate," for this person understands you in a way that no one else does. Your heart beats in rhythm with his. Your emotions are intimately tied to his every joy, his every sorrow.
The wedding comes. It is a happy celebration, but the best part is that you are finally the wife of this wonderful man. You fall asleep that night, exhausted from the day's events, but relaxed and joyful in the knowledge that you are next to the person who loves you more than anyone in the world?the person who will be with you for the rest of your life.
The next morning you wake up, nestled in your partner's arms. You open your eyes and immediately look for his face.
But IT'S NOT HIM! You are in the arms of another man. You recoil in horror. Who is this man? Where is your beloved?
You ask questions of the new man, but it quickly becomes apparent that he doesn't understand you. You search every room in the house, calling and calling for your husband. The new guy follows you around, trying to hug you, pat you on the back,...even trying to stroke your arm, acting like everything is okay.
But you know that nothing is okay. Your beloved is gone. Where is he? Will he return? When? What has happened to him?
Weeks pass. You cry and cry over the loss of your beloved. Sometimes you ache silently, in shock over what has happened. The new guy tries to comfort you. You appreciate his attempts, but he doesn't speak your language-either verbally or emotionally. He doesn't seem to realize the terrible thing that has happened...that your sweetheart is gone.
You find it difficult to sleep. The new guy tries to comfort you at bedtime with soft words and gentle touches, but you avoid him, preferring to sleep alone, away from him and any intimate words or contact.
Months later, you still ache for your beloved, but gradually you are learning to trust this new guy. He's finally learned that you like your coffee black, not doctored up with cream and sugar. Although you still don't understand his bedtime songs, you like the lilt of his voice and take some comfort in it.
More time passes. One morning, you wake up to find a full suitcase sitting next to the front door. You try to ask him about it, but he just takes you by the hand and leads you to the car. You drive and drive and drive. Nothing is familiar. Where are you? Where is he taking you?
You pull up to a large building. He leads you to an elevator and up to a room filled with people. Many are crying. Some are ecstatic with joy. You are confused. And worried.
The man leads you over to the corner. Another man opens his arms and sweeps you up in an embrace. He rubs your back and kisses your cheeks, obviously thrilled to see you.
You are anything but thrilled to see him. Who in the world is he? Where is your beloved? You reach for the man who brought you, but he just smiles (although he seems to be tearing up, which concerns you), pats you on the back, and puts your hand in the hands of the new guy. The new guy picks up your suitcase and leads you to the door. The familiar face starts openly crying, waving and waving as the elevator doors close on you and the new guy.
The new guy drives you to an airport and you follow him, not knowing what else to do. Sometimes you cry, but then the new guy tries to make you smile, so you grin back, wanting to "get along." You board a plane. The flight is long. You sleep a lot, wanting to mentally escape from the situation.
Hours later, the plane touches down. The new guy is very excited and leads you into the airport where dozens of people are there to greet you. Light bulbs flash as your photo is taken again and again. The new guy takes you to another guy who hugs you. Who is this one? You smile at him. Then you are taken to another man who pats your back and kisses your cheek. Then yet another fellow gives you a big hug and messes your hair.
Finally, someone (which guy is this?) pulls you into his arms with the biggest hug you've ever had. He kisses you all over your cheeks and croons to you in some language you've never heard before.
He leads you to a car and drives you to another location. Everything here looks different. The climate is not what you're used to. The smells are strange. Nothing tastes familiar, except for the black coffee. You wonder if someone told him that you like your coffee black.
You find it nearly impossible to sleep. Sometimes you lie in bed for hours, staring into the blackness, furious with your husband for leaving you, yet aching from the loss. The new guy checks on you. He seems concerned and tries to comfort you with soft words and a mug of warm milk. You turn away, pretending to go to sleep.
People come to the house. You can feel the anxiety start to bubble over as you look into the faces of all the new people. You tightly grasp the new guy's hand. He pulls you closer. People smile and nudge one other, marveling at how quickly you've fallen in love. Strangers reach for you, wanting to be a part of the happiness.
Each time a man hugs you, you wonder if he will be the one to take you away. Just in case, you keep your suitcase packed and ready. Although the man at this house is nice and you're hanging on for dear life, you've learned from experience that men come and go, so you just wait in expectation for the next one to come along.
Each morning, the new guy hands you a cup of coffee and looks at you expectantly. A couple of times the pain and anger for your husband is so great that you lash out, sending hot coffee across the room, causing the new guy to yelp in pain. He just looks at you, bewildered. But most of the time you calmly take the cup. You give him a smile. And wait. And wait. And wait.
--Written by Cynthia Hockman-Chupp, analogy courtesy of Dr. Kali Miller
Ok WOW this 3rd post on our blog is more like a novel than a post and I really didn't even lay out our plan for Alyvia and Attachment.
Suffice to say here, in public, that John and I will be the only ones feeding and changing and holding Alyvia for the first few weeks (if not longer). Our big kids will hug her and play with her and perhaps sometimes hold her. But we are her parents and we will be here for her. We will earn her trust by quickly, lovingly repetitively meeting her needs.
If you are a regular part of our life and we are blessed to see you the first month (or longer) that Lyv is home. We welcome your kind words to Alyvia. If she's a high fiver (which she may or may not be) go there, if you want. If Alyvia is down and around and comes to you for holding, please, direct her back to us. Maybe say, "let's go find your mama. She's happy to hold you." As soon as we are comfortable that Lyv knows we are her parents and we will be here for her no matter what, then we will welcome you holding and hugging and loving on her with food and snuggles. It won't be long. We want to share her with you. We know you love her, too. And we are glad.
Does that seem odd? It would to us, if we hadn't read what feels like a bazillion books on adoption and attachment. We have read plenty of stories of families who did NOT cocoon or guard the basic caregiving duties of their newly adopted child and they really regretted it. Lots of them. But we have yet to read of any families who DID cocoon and guard the basic caregiving duties who regretted it. No one we have read was sorry they guarded and protected and kept their new child's world small. It is often hard for the parents. But it is great for their new child.
Ok. done or not. this must go to print. I've got other babies to tuck in.
The PS here is I don't want to paint with a huge brush. Not all adopted kids and/or their new families are alike. I am not an expert on any of this. I totally admit it. I only know what I have typed here from the experience of adoptive parent friends who are kind enough to share their experience with us and what we have learned in classes, articles and books. The real education is about to begin and though crazy nervous, we are certainly excited. . .
Enjoy your last few days/weeks in your beautiful Korea, Lyv. We'll be there as soon as we can.
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